Ask Dr. Berman: Can Fantasizing Improve My Sex Life?

Q:When my boyfriend and I were having sex the other night, he asked me to share one of my "naughtiest" sexual fantasies with him and I felt really weird about it. The idea of having sexual fantasies makes me feel uncomfortable, and the idea of sharing them is even worse. I don't get what the big hype is about, anyway. It's not like dreaming up some sex scenario can actually improve the real sex I'm having, right?

A: The more you fantasize and think about sex, the easier it will be for you to switch into naughty mode with your partner. Fantasy is really the only time when you can be in complete control of your sexual circumstances, and it can inspire a much greater sexual connection when you actually are in the moment. An active fantasy life helps you learn about what turns you on and helps you experience more satisfaction in the bedroom.

If you find yourself feeling guilty or even a bit embarrassed about your fantasies, just remind yourself: Fantasy isn’t reality. It doesn’t hurt anyone, including your partner (who likely has a few zillion fantasies himself!). Whether you are dreaming about a Hollywood celeb, a real-life crush, or your partner, fantasy is a fun and safe way to explore your desires.

Considering the brain is the largest sexual organ, fantasy has a vital role to play in a satisfying sex life. Fantasies add fuel to the fire by sparking arousal and then helping to maintain it. Some people think an active fantasy life must mean that they are not turned on by their partners — especially when the fantasies are used during sex. However, almost all human beings fantasize about sexual situations that are not part of their actual sex life, and this includes eroticizing people they may know or people they've made up.

Fantasies have a lot to teach you about your innermost desires and wishes. I often advise women and men to keep a fantasy journal. (Just make sure it has a lock if you are going to be honest, which is how it works best!) Fantasies are made up of the material that day-to-day life suppresses — that's why they are so inspiring sexually. It's titillating to imagine sexual scenes you might not have the nerve to act on in real life (or may not even want to). Likewise, envisioning having sex with someone other than your partner is taboo, which makes it arousing.

Use your fantasy life to your advantage. You don't even need to admit your sexual daydreams to anybody — sometimes it's nice to simply keep them to yourself. You definitely should not judge yourself on your fantasies, unless they are troubling you on a regular basis. Just about anything goes when it comes to imagining your deepest sexual wishes — that's why it's fantasy, not reality.

Remember, too, that just because you fantasize about hooking up with a sexy stranger doesn’t mean that you actually want to cheat on your partner. Nor does fantasizing about taking part in a threesome or playing submission and domination games mean that you actually want to try those things in real life. Most fantasies are just that — fantasies. You don’t have to take them any further unless you choose to, so there is no need to impose any limits or bring shame to your mental playground.

 — Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.