10 Questions and Answers About Bondage and Discipline

BDSM has become a buzzword in recent months. Thanks to the wild popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey and its male protagonist, Christian Grey, more people are wondering about BDSM than ever before.  While some critics of the book who are well-schooled in BDSM say it does not reflect an accurate relationship between a modern-day dominant and his submissive, other people do not have even a clue what BDSM is.  Here are some facts about the world of BDSM and how you can begin your own sexual exploration:  

BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses sexual activities that include bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Think handcuffs, spanking, hot wax, nipple clamps, and beyond. 

This varies from person to person. Some people love the thrill of doing something completely taboo and mysterious, while others enjoy the combination of pain and pleasure. (The areas of the brain that process pain and pleasure are very close together; this could explain why slight-to-moderate pain can sometimes lead to the release of endorphins, which are substances in the brain that are likened to opiates.) 

A dominant partner — also known as a dom — is the partner who is “in charge.” A man or a woman can take the role of the dominant partner (or the submissive partner). He or she enjoys being the leader and taking over physically and emotionally. The submissive (aka the sub) agrees to submit to his or her dom in everything the dominant desires, although the submissive can set limits as to what he or she enjoys or doesn’t want to experience.  (Doms and subs can and do swap roles, but some people prefer to stick to one role exclusively.)

BDSM is as broad and unique as the people who enjoy it. While spanking and bondage might be the first things people think of when BDSM is mentioned, there are a wide variety of behaviors and fetishes that people explore. Some people like to role-play medical storylines (think naughty nurse and helpless patient), while others like age-play storylines (in which the submissive pretends to be younger and the dominant pretends to be older, such as in a teacher/student fantasy).

From leather to latex, gags to slave collars, leashes to sex toys, there is a whole host of gear that BDSM couples like to enjoy together. Some even have furniture such as the St. Andrew’s cross (the dominant partner ties the submissive partner at each wrist and ankle) or items such as “spreaders” (a device that forcefully holds the submissive’s legs).

For an outsider looking in, it can be hard to imagine that BDSM is 100 percent consensual. Both partners agree to the rules, safe words (see below), and boundaries ahead of time. BDSM couples may not go as far as Christian Grey (he made Ana, along with all of his past sexual partners, sign a binding contract with all the rules and regulations outlined), but they do always make an effort to practice their pleasures safely.  People who partake in this kind of play as a lifestyle say the most important rule is everything should be, “safe, sane and consensual.”

If you want the play to stop, all you have to say is the magic word — that is, the safe word. Since people who enjoy BDSM sometimes say “no” or “stop” as part of their role-play, it’s important to have a “safe” word, a word that signals it’s time for the play to stop immediately. Some BDSM couples even use the red/yellow/green of a stoplight to guide their play: Red means stop, yellow means to tone it down, and green means go!

People who practice BDSM aren’t abusive by nature. Again, it can be confusing to an outsider, but just because some people like being in control and being the dom, it doesn’t mean that they like hurting people or want to hurt their partners. It’s all fantasy and it’s all consensual: Plus, everyone in the BDSM world knows that it is actually the sub who has all the control. He or she says how far the play will go and holds the cards when it comes to setting boundaries.

Everyday people enjoy kink. When you think of BDSM, you might picture some hard-core degenerate or someone living on the fringe of society, but the reality is that a number of healthy, well-adjusted, and intelligent people love BDSM role-play.

If you want to dabble in the world of BDSM, take small steps and see if it is for you. Have a conversation with your partner about activities you each find erotic, and experiment with different props or toys.  Perhaps you can start small — secure your partner’s hands to a bedpost with leather restraints or furry cuffs (so as not to leave marks). Paddles, ticklers, and small floggers might also be a good way to get started — but remember to select a safe word before you begin to play.