Ask Dr. Berman: He Always Finishes Before Me

Q: My partner always orgasms before me, and sometimes I'm left feeling less than satisfied. How can I get him to slow down and give me what I need — without offending him?

A: You're certainly not alone! Your question speaks to many women who don't get the stimulation they need and whose sexual satisfaction suffers as a result. Here are some tools and tips that can help him slow down:

• Deep Breathing
  Deep breathing is a form of meditation that can sometimes help control the arousal and tension that lead to early ejaculation. Plus, focusing on how each other’s breath rises and falls can build an intimate connection.

• The Stop-and-Start Method
  Your partner should begin by masturbating alone, bringing himself close to orgasm and stopping. After relaxing, he should continue bringing himself closer and closer to orgasm until he can’t hold it any longer. (Doing this several times by himself without distraction will help him learn where his point of no return is.) When he feels he has mastered the technique, the two of you should engage in sexual activity that stops short of intercourse.

• The Squeeze Method
  This method requires one of you to squeeze the base of the penis at the same point in arousal that the stop-and-start technique would be used. The idea is to reduce your partner's erection through squeezing. Just as with the stop-and-start method, your partner should do it on his own first, master it, and then invite you to practice the technique with him.

• Kegel Exercises
  Kegels aren’t just for women. There’s no better method to strengthen the pelvic region than to create strong pubococcygeus muscles, which can also help control ejaculation.

• Tantric Techniques
  Truly explorative sex is more than just traditional physical pleasure. Try using the tantric techniques of establishing an intimate connection. Notice small things, such as how warm your partner’s skin feels beneath yours and how his breathing rises and falls. Focus on the journey, not the goal of orgasm and you both might find pleasure manifesting itself in new ways.

• Condoms With Benzocaine
  Benzocaine condoms, like the Durex Perfomax series, can help decrease sexual sensation and bring his sexual response down to a more manageable level. He can try using them during masturbation to prolong and control his excitement. Often, climax-control condoms can extend sexual activity and delay a male’s climax as long as five minutes.

• Medical Options
  If none of these techniques are successful, you might consider the SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) family of antidepressants. Drugs such as Prozac and Zoloft can be taken several hours before sexual activity — since they inhibit arousal, they can help make it easier for a man to control ejaculation. Before you make a decision regarding these drugs, discuss treatment options with your partner’s physician, keeping in mind that SSRIs have other side effects.

— Dr. Laura Berman