Ask Dr. Berman: He Likes Fast, Hard Sex and I Don't

Q: My partner likes fast, pounding intercourse, and I'm not really a fan. I've tried to set the speed by being on top, but he complains that I'm not going fast enough — I can even feel him losing his erection. How can I get him to slow down and wait for me?

A: Men who like fast intercourse are often desensitized and find that it's the only way they can reach orgasm. Sometimes it's the result of rough masturbation technique and other times it's simply a personal preference — a turn-on like any other. The problem is that rapid thrusting works only for women once they are sufficiently aroused — and even then, some don't like it.

One option you have is to reach orgasm before intercourse, then let him have the fast intercourse he likes after you're done. It's a sort of compromise that meets both your needs. You could also experiment with manual and oral techniques to get yourself to the brink of orgasm just before intercourse and see if his fast thrusting is not so bothersome then. Most importantly, make sure you are getting clitoral stimulation during intercourse, with either a small vibrator or one of your fingers. This alone could make your intercourse far more enjoyable.

If you just don't care for his style of intercourse, you may need to take it out of the equation for a little while. Get back to a sensual focus on each other's bodies and alternate ways of pleasuring each other. Enjoy the intimacy of being close to your partner, the pleasurable sensations of your partner’s hands roaming all over your body. Whenever you feel yourself becoming a spectator and getting out of the moment, get back to the present by zeroing in on a particular physical sensation, like the way his mouth feels on yours or how his skin feels underneath your body. The connection that is generated by your mutual affection and sensuality is so much more than the sum of its parts, so make sure to enjoy every touch, lick, kiss, and caress for what it is… rather than trying to make them all add up to orgasm as quickly as possible.

And, remember, orgasms are not all created equal. In fact, only 30 percent of women experience orgasm from sex alone. This is no surprise considering that many sex positions don’t stimulate the main female hot spots, such as the clitoris and the G-spot. Most women find that they need clitoral stimulation either before, during, or after intercourse to reach orgasm. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t put focus on your sexual pleasure, but you should be prepared for you and your partner to reach orgasm differently.

Of course, perfectly timed simultaneous orgasms can feel like the golden achievement in the bedroom — and you should certainly go for it if that’s what you wish — but make sure that you have mastered the art of orgasm on your own and with your partner before making that your goal. The bottom line is that sex should be something you both enjoy, so speak up and let your partner know what turns you on. He wants to please you. Any tips you can give him will be much appreciated (by both of you)!

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.