Q: My husband is very shy and modest, even in the bedroom. He has never given me oral sex before, and I don’t know how to bring it up. Should I just give up on this fantasy?
A: No way! Oral sex is an intimate and pleasurable act that no couple should miss out on. However, it is very natural for men (and women) to hesitate about performing oral sex, and it is not uncommon to be anxious and intimidated…especially if you don’t have much experience in the act. It sounds to me like your husband probably falls into this category. If he hasn’t felt comfortable enough to have oral sex with his own wife, it’s likely he never did so in previous relationships.
It is this lack of experience that might be the reason behind his reluctance. In fact, even men with plenty of experience often doubt their oral-sex abilities and wish they had more guidance. To that end, I recommend Lou Paget’s How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure, as it gives a very descriptive account of how to perform oral sex as well as other sexual advice. Another book I recommend is Ian Kerner’s She Comes First, which also details how to perform oral sex.
Along with this reading, I always recommend that women give their partners guidance throughout oral sex. Moan and coo whenever you like what he is doing, and gently shift your hips to guide him toward your pleasure spots. You can also be more vocal, such as by saying, “I love it when you use your hands and tongue at the same time” or “When you touch me like that, it drives me crazy.”
Of course, before you can guide him with this advice, you first have to broach the topic. If you have never performed oral sex on him either, I suggest you start there. By opening that door and giving him pleasure, he will likely want to return the favor and push his own boundaries as well. If you have performed oral sex on him before, then bring up the subject by saying something like, “I love giving you pleasure during oral sex” or “I hope you enjoy receiving oral pleasure as much as I enjoy giving it.” Get him thinking about how much he loves when you perform this act on him, and once he is warmed up, you might ask if he has ever thought about performing oral sex on you.
In addition, you might want to create a fantasy box. I love fantasy boxes because they are a no-pressure way for a couple to write down their fantasies and share them with each other in a private way. Simply write down your fantasies on slips of paper and insert them into a fantasy box, which you keep in your bedroom. Whenever things get boring, you can just pull out one of the slips of paper. Your partner might be shocked at your requests (and you might be shocked at some of his), but the idea is to tap into each other’s secret desires and bring fantasy into the bedroom.
The bottom line is that oral sex is a great way for you and your partner to connect on a sexual and intimate level, and chances are that he wants to please you just as much as you want to be pleased. Break down those barriers and start communicating about these desires, and then commit to talking about these topics on a regular basis. You can’t have great sex if you don’t ever share what’s really going on inside your mind, especially when it comes to your needs and fantasies.
— Dr. Laura Berman