Ask Dr. Berman: Should I Be Louder During Sex?

Q: Is it normal for a woman not to make a lot of noise during sex? I worry that my partner is disappointed I'm not more vocal.

A: In sex, there is really no such thing as normal or abnormal. Every couple has a different rhythm, a different way of doing things, and, yes, a different range of verbal expression during sexual intercourse.

The easiest way to find out if your partner would like you to be more verbal during sex is to ask him. Some men may like a woman who screams, while others would be frightened! You could pose it to him as a question when you're in bed together. Or you could bring it up casually outside the bedroom. Since it's not a problem per se, you can address it with him whenever the moment feels right. Whatever the case, make sure he knows that you are enjoying yourself, even if you don’t come right out and scream about it! After sex, you could whisper, “That was amazing” or “Wow, I feel weak after that orgasm.” Let him know that he is on the right track.

However, the real point here is that good communication about sex is essential. Whether too quiet or too loud, it's important that you are able to talk about your sex life in all ways. Effective communication gives you a good foundation to weather the storms that inevitably arise regarding childbirth, age-related changes in sexual response, and the like.

It's also important to make sure you are not evaluating yourself during sex too much. Worrying about how you're performing for your partner diminishes your sexual satisfaction, since you're not totally absorbed in the moment. But the fact that you have asked about your lack of vocal response may provide a clue in and of itself. Are you making any noise at all? Most people would have to really focus to be totally quiet during sex. Ask yourself if you're enjoying sex, in addition to finding out your partner's opinion. You may need to focus on yourself first before you worry about what he's thinking.

Here are some other tips for creating better communication in the bedroom:

Listen to his body language, and offer clues of your own. Notice when his breathing becomes quicker or when he seems to be more alert and excited. Chances are, when these clues are present, it’s because you are doing something that is driving him wild! Alternatively, you can offer him the same body language clues. Even if you aren’t into making tons of noise in the bedroom, you can offer a little moan or coo, or you can simply inhale sharply when his touch makes you excited.

Bring some music into the bedroom. It might sound funny, but music can help you both to relax and get communicating in a more effective way. With the music on, the room won’t feel so silent and your vocalization won’t sound as loud or startling, so you won’t feel as awkward about expressing your pleasure.