First comes love, then comes marriage — and there goes excitement? Not so, but sadly, many people wrongly believe that long-term, committed relationships are the opposite of sexy and hot, and that there is no way to restore novelty and excitement to the bedroom.
However, as a relationship therapist, I have found the opposite to be true — it is possible to have great sex no matter how long you have been together. In fact, sex can keep getting better and better! All it takes is a little bit of work and a lot of communication.
Here's how to banish boredom and fall in lust with your spouse again:
Think about what you want. What is missing from your connection with your partner? Do you want him to be more spontaneous, or do you wish you had more time for foreplay? Think about how you can make that happen and how you can be hands-on when it comes to reaching your sexual goals. As the saying goes, if you are bored, you have no one to blame but yourself!
Own your share of responsibility. It’s tempting to look at your relationship from only your point of view, and from there you can plainly see all the things your partner is doing wrong. Instead, try to see your marriage through your partner’s eyes. For instance, you complain that he isn’t attentive enough to your needs, but when was the last time you went out of your way to be there for him?
Own your part of the problems in your relationship. When it comes to lack of communication and marital woes, it really does take two to tango. Step back and recognize how you are contributing to the problems in your relationship, and then make the necessary steps to improve your own behavior.
Initiate sexual contact. This sounds like a given, but it is amazing how many people sit around and complain about their sex lives, yet do nothing to improve them! If you want a more exciting and passionate sex life, then make the first move.
Talk about what you want (in a positive manner). In other words, don’t tell your partner what is lacking in your relationship (such as, “You never pay attention to me when I talk”). Instead, tell your partner what you want in a positive way (such as, “I would love to make a date to just hang out and talk once a week. Even for just 20 minutes”). By taking a complaint and turning it into a request, your communication will not get derailed by the blame game. Instead of immediately going on the defensive, your partner will be able to hear your needs with an open mind.
Be specific. When communicating your needs to your partner, it’s important to make sure that he knows what you really mean. You can’t just say “be more romantic” as you partner might not understand what you really mean by that. Everyone has different definitions of romance and what romance looks like. Break it down to him in a more direct way, such as “I miss sharing coffee with you in bed on Saturday mornings” or “Let’s get away for a weekend sometime soon.”
And, remember, if you want to rediscover your romance and fall in lust with your partner again, you have to make it a priority high on your to-do list. Commit to “dating” your partner, and send the kids off to Grandma’s for some much-needed alone time. Your relationship is the cornerstone of your home, so don’t feel guilty about putting your spouse before your kids.
It is possible to rekindle a dying romance — all you need to do is bring the spark!