Ask Dr. Berman: My Boyfriend Masturbates Without Me

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for the past three years. I’ve been busy at work and coming home late and exhausted, and so our sex life has decreased a lot lately. But he still has plenty of action on his own. I know he masturbates on a regular basis, and I can’t help but feel jealous, especially since he seems more interested in his hand than me at times. What should I do?

A: Many couples often wonder if masturbation is kosher in a committed relationship, and personally I believe that it is. Masturbation is a good way to stay connected with your own body and can help you learn what types of strokes and touches you desire. Additionally, it helps keeps you mentally connected with your sexuality, allowing you to explore your fantasies and discover your inner sexual self.

Masturbation can also help to keep your body physically primed for sex. Sexual response tends to work on a “use it or lose it” basis, and if you don’t stay sexually active and keep the circulation flowing, you can have a hard time tapping back into that sexual power when you do have partner sex.

However, masturbation should never replace the sexual connection between you and your partner, and it sounds to me like that might be happening in your relationship. You mention that you and your partner haven’t been having much sex lately, and that makes me wonder if his masturbation began to increase as a result of that. If his libido is higher than yours, it can be very difficult for him to abstain from sexual release altogether just because you aren’t in the mood. In a committed relationship, both parties have a responsibility to fulfill their end of the sexual contract, because otherwise there are no other sexual outlets that a person can enjoy (other than masturbation).

Of course, I am not suggesting that you have to have sex every day, or that you have to engage in sexual activities when you aren’t in the mood. But, like I said earlier, sex is one of those “use it or lose it” gifts; the more you don’t have sex, the less you are going to want to. Meanwhile, your boyfriend is climbing the walls and seeking release by self-stimulation. Rather than see this as a problem, you can use it as a jumping-off point. For example, you could self-stimulate together, or watch erotica as a couple to spark your own sexual connection once again.

You should also consider talking to your partner about your fears. Communication is crucial between partners, especially when it comes to sexual matters such as these. Why not say something like, “I know you have been masturbating a lot lately, and that makes me feel like I might not be doing enough to meet your sexual needs. What would you like to change or improve about our sex lives?” You might find out that he just needs slightly more frequent sex or that he desires more affection or spontaneity in your day-to-day relationship.

Be open to his feedback and don’t be afraid to share some of your own. Remember, great sex takes work, and communication is a must when it comes to lasting relationships.

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.