Ask Dr. Berman: I Want Easier Orgasms!
A man needs just a few minutes, but a woman requires more time. Here's how to rev up your engine before the race begins.
Q: I am a 38-year-old woman who remarried a few years ago. I feel like we are still newlyweds and love having sex with my partner, but sometimes I wish I could reach orgasm as easily as he does. He is very attentive to my needs and loves getting me there, but sometimes it takes so long that I become frustrated. How can I have orgasms on demand like he does?
A: Ah, the age-old dilemma. A man can often have an orgasm in a matter of minutes, while the woman is left lagging behind desperately trying to reach her big O. However, like the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race! While women take a bit longer to warm up, once they do become orgasmic, the sky is the limit! Unlike men, women are capable of multiple orgasms, meaning that you can enjoy sustained sexual pleasure.
Of course, the trick is getting you and your partner’s sexual response to match up so that you can both have an orgasmic time together. I always tell couples that if they want to have great sex, they need to start even before they reach the bedroom. By this I mean they need to compliment each other, seduce each other, and connect as lovers before the actual sex begins. This is especially true for women. If you start at a zero on the sexual-response scale, then it is a long climb to ten and orgasm. Yet if your partner has been seducing you and flirting with you throughout the day (such as with naughty e-mails or sensual kisses), then you will start off around a four or a five…making your climb to orgasm that much shorter.
Once you are actually in the bedroom, it is important to make the most of your foreplay by focusing on your hot spots. Don’t just think of the genitals or the breasts. Your body is alive with nerve endings that will feel very powerful and sensual when touched. Have him stroke your inner thigh while he deeply kisses you, or ask him to gently tug on your hair while you are building up to the act. And don’t forget those pleasure points like the clitoris and the G-spot. (You can locate the G-spot by inserting your finger into your vagina and curling it in a “come-hither” motion. The G-spot feels like a small bump located about one-third of the way into the vagina.)
After foreplay, make sure to continue to maximize your pleasure by stimulating your clitoris during the act itself or by asking your partner to do so. Only 30 percent of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone, so most require outside stimulation and help to reach that special place. And, most importantly, relax — it might take you a little longer to reach orgasm, but trust me, getting frustrated will only make it worse. Stay in the moment and enjoy this time with your partner...after all, it’s about the journey, not the destination.
— Dr. Laura Berman
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