Ask Dr. Berman: I Only Orgasm in My Sleep

Q: I’m 43 and I have four kids. I don’t have orgasms with my partner or through masturbation. If I ever orgasm, it’s only when I’m asleep. Should I just learn to live without orgasms during the waking hours?

A: The good news is that since you have orgasms during sleep, it means that you are capable of reaching gratification and that the problem is not physical. And, for the record, it is very common for women to have orgasms in their sleep, probably because their inhibitions are down and they are dreaming about racy content that really turns them on.

You say you don’t have orgasms while masturbating, so I would start there. It is so important for women to be in tune with their sexual desires and their hot spots, and masturbation is one of the best ways to do this. If you aren’t familiar with your hot spots, especially your clitoris, then take a look at this anatomical diagram and spend some time with a hand mirror getting to know your body, inside and out.

Next, think about your dreams. Do you remember what happens in these dreams before you reach the big O? Are you fantasizing about a sexy celebrity or a forbidden stranger? Or are you fantasizing about an actual act, such as receiving oral sex or being submissive to your partner in a naughty S&M encounter? Get your fantasies rolling and then see where they take you. You might be surprised to find that you have tons of sexual energy buried deep within you.

Once you have an orgasm alone, it’s time to work on having one with your partner. It’s important to note that only 30 percent of women have orgasms from intercourse alone, so you really need to incorporate some other stimulation and/or foreplay. Remember, men are like microwaves and women are like ovens…we need time to warm up and start cooking! Initiate longer foreplay sessions whenever your partner seems ready to go. Try giving him a sexy massage or try a new position. Let him know that you want the act to be slow and deliberate, not wham, bam, thank you, Ma’am.

Now that you have slowed things down a little bit, take it to the next level by being more hands-on. Include manual stimulation during intercourse to give yourself the clitoral attention that you need. Reach down and touch yourself while he is on top, or have him reach around and touch you while he is coming from behind. Or, try and take charge by hopping on top. This will organically give you more clitoral stimulation, and his hands will be free to simulate your clitoris and your breasts.

Finally, make sure that you are giving your mind a chance to let go and relax. You won’t be able to reach orgasm if you are worried about one of your four kids walking in or if you are too busy stressing over the housework and errands you have to run. Don’t try to do it all. Ask for help, take deep breaths, and make time for yourself. You deserve it!

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.