Show Him How to Please You
Knowing your own body is the first step. The next is teaching your partner to do what works for you.
One of my readers writes to ask: "Why is it so difficult for me to have an orgasm during sex with my boyfriend? I am really attracted to him and love the thought of having sex with him. When we do, it always starts out great — you know, all tingly and the enjoyment of being intimate with him — but then it’s like I am waiting for something that never happens. It’s frustrating because I really love him. I tell him it has nothing to do with him, but I know it upsets him. This is my first serious relationship, but I have always been able to have orgasms on my own. What should I do?"
Sound familiar? If it does, you're actually part of the majority on this one. Most women cannot orgasm during intercourse without learning some specific techniques to make it happen. Just one-third of women can! Are you surprised to learn this? I’ve found that most women are — in addition to feeling incredibly relieved. This can be half the battle, since a big obstacle to orgasm is getting over the self-imposed pressure to have one.
A simple anatomy lesson will help. While many women love the sensation of penetration and the feeling of closeness it allows with their partner, it is not the magical path to orgasm that movies and popular media have made it seem. Especially for young women, there are a lot of unrealistic expectations around sex. Portrayals in movies and magazines give the impression that the moment intercourse begins is the moment you are sent into ecstatic bliss. For two-thirds of women, at least, a little more legwork is needed. The real magic button for women is the clitoris, and this is the area you need to pay more attention to. If your partner is also relatively new to the romance game, it's up to you to give him some gentle guidance. Done right, it will be satisfying for him to please you in the way you want to be.
But first, back to what I said earlier. The surest way not to have an orgasm is to focus on it incessantly. You need to let the sensations of the moment envelop you — existing in your body instead of in your head. And let your partner know that your orgasm is something that will come with time, so to speak. In the meantime, see where sex takes you! Instead of kissing, undressing, fooling around a little bit and then having intercourse, make it more circular, in which you get really aroused and then pull back a little bit. This will also help your partner stay in the game longer, which most women need to ultimately make it to orgasm.
So how do you incorporate the right technique and teach him in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re rejecting him? It is a two-pronged approach: self-stimulation and nonverbal communication. You're a step ahead if you masturbate and know how to bring yourself to orgasm. I tell women every day that self-stimulation is the best way to figure out what works for them. What you need to do now is pay closer attention to what you're doing when you masturbate. Which parts do you touch, what’s the rhythm?
Then you must put these observations to work during sex with your partner using nonverbal cues. Take his hand and put it where you want him to touch. Moan or kiss him when he does something right. At this point, a little verbal reinforcement can work, too, such as "oh yeah!" or "right there"! With a little practice, he will start to learn what pleases you and you will do less directing.
During intercourse, try different positions that stimulate the clitoris — such as you on top — or use your hand or a small vibrator for that purpose. And if you really want to turn things up a notch, try masturbating in front of him so he can see a real-life demonstration of what brings you to orgasm.
Because you know what they say: Give a man a map and he'll get you where you need to be. He just won’t stop to ask for directions.
Sound familiar? If it does, you're actually part of the majority on this one. Most women cannot orgasm during intercourse without learning some specific techniques to make it happen. Just one-third of women can! Are you surprised to learn this? I’ve found that most women are — in addition to feeling incredibly relieved. This can be half the battle, since a big obstacle to orgasm is getting over the self-imposed pressure to have one.
A simple anatomy lesson will help. While many women love the sensation of penetration and the feeling of closeness it allows with their partner, it is not the magical path to orgasm that movies and popular media have made it seem. Especially for young women, there are a lot of unrealistic expectations around sex. Portrayals in movies and magazines give the impression that the moment intercourse begins is the moment you are sent into ecstatic bliss. For two-thirds of women, at least, a little more legwork is needed. The real magic button for women is the clitoris, and this is the area you need to pay more attention to. If your partner is also relatively new to the romance game, it's up to you to give him some gentle guidance. Done right, it will be satisfying for him to please you in the way you want to be.
But first, back to what I said earlier. The surest way not to have an orgasm is to focus on it incessantly. You need to let the sensations of the moment envelop you — existing in your body instead of in your head. And let your partner know that your orgasm is something that will come with time, so to speak. In the meantime, see where sex takes you! Instead of kissing, undressing, fooling around a little bit and then having intercourse, make it more circular, in which you get really aroused and then pull back a little bit. This will also help your partner stay in the game longer, which most women need to ultimately make it to orgasm.
So how do you incorporate the right technique and teach him in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re rejecting him? It is a two-pronged approach: self-stimulation and nonverbal communication. You're a step ahead if you masturbate and know how to bring yourself to orgasm. I tell women every day that self-stimulation is the best way to figure out what works for them. What you need to do now is pay closer attention to what you're doing when you masturbate. Which parts do you touch, what’s the rhythm?
Then you must put these observations to work during sex with your partner using nonverbal cues. Take his hand and put it where you want him to touch. Moan or kiss him when he does something right. At this point, a little verbal reinforcement can work, too, such as "oh yeah!" or "right there"! With a little practice, he will start to learn what pleases you and you will do less directing.
During intercourse, try different positions that stimulate the clitoris — such as you on top — or use your hand or a small vibrator for that purpose. And if you really want to turn things up a notch, try masturbating in front of him so he can see a real-life demonstration of what brings you to orgasm.
Because you know what they say: Give a man a map and he'll get you where you need to be. He just won’t stop to ask for directions.
11/19
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