Fight Fair to Improve Your Relationship

Cutting off an argument can actually be a relationship lifesaver. Once you've said something — whether you meant it or not — it can't be taken back. Even if your partner does his best to forgive you, resentments can fester, and may even lay the groundwork for future arguments.

It's good to practice physiological soothing techniques when things get heated. When anger starts to rise, so does your body temperature, heart rate, and breathing. You feel angry, which can make your emotions seem more intense than they are. Take a step back when you feel this happening and observe your body's reaction. Breathe deeply for a moment, and try to separate your mental reaction from your physical reaction. Allowing yourself to be controlled by your emotions in this state can cause you to say and do things you may regret later.

To help your partner take it down a notch, inject a little humor or even a tender touch into your argument. Reach for his hand or make a joke — both gestures will help him feel less threatened and calm him down. Also, it can be helpful to have each of you repeat what the other one has just said before you respond to it, to make sure you're getting each other's messages.

Learning to fight constructively is an important part of maintaining a loving and functional relationship. Keep your perspective when things are at their worst, and you and your partner will make it through to happier times. It's also important to remember that arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship. They are even healthy for your relationship if done well. No matter how happy you are, there will always be issues on which you and your partner don’t see eye to eye. Addressing these issues, rather than ignoring them or pretending they don’t exist, is a crucial part of developing and maintaining a healthy relationship.

While it is true that no relationship is perfect and that every couple argues, ignoring or rationalizing constant bickering and anger can cause serious problems in your relationship. Every time you cross that line and begin communicating in an unhealthy, destructive, or downright vicious way, you erode your bond and decrease the feeling of safety and trust in your relationship.

So, make a commitment to fight for the relationship, not just for yourself. To start taking responsibility for your role, share this commitment verbally with your partner. Say something like, “I know that we are fighting a lot, and that I’m not doing my part to argue with you in a loving and constructive way. I am making a commitment to change that, and I won’t allow myself to get carried away by anger or the need to be right.” You don’t need to ask your partner to commit to this as well. It’s likely that he will choose to make a similar verbal commitment, but even if he doesn’t, you will change the fighting dynamics simply by shifting your own attitude and approach.