Ask Dr. Berman: The Honeymoon Is Over

Q: My husband and I used to have a passionate sex life, but ever since our honeymoon, I just don’t feel an attraction to him. I love his personality, but my desire for him is gone.

A: It sounds to me like you might be suffering from a bit of the honeymoon blues. This is not an uncommon occurrence in a woman’s life, especially for women who spend a lot of time planning the wedding…and not much time planning the marriage. While a wedding will give you plenty of happy memories and great photographs, that experience will pale in comparison to the importance of a stable and sexy marriage. Yet it is all too easy to get caught up in the glamour and excitement of the wedding and lose sight of the big picture.

Now that you are at this point, it’s important to focus on what is going wrong and what you can do to fix the situation. First, think about whether your desire is gone, or whether it is just your desire for him. Do you still have a libido? In other words, do you still fantasize about other partners or enjoy self-stimulation? How do you feel when he tries to approach you for sex (or does he even try to approach you at all?). If your libido is completely gone, I wouldn’t think your marriage is to blame. Instead, it could be a hormonal condition (such as a new birth-control prescription) or a lifestyle issue (maybe you have gained weight since the wedding or stopped hitting the gym). Either could be a culprit behind fading desire.

If your desire is still there (except when it comes to him), you need to step back and take a good look at your relationship. What happened between your honeymoon and the present to completely derail your sex life? Maybe he stopped being romantic or maybe the real-life issues that every couple faces (stress at work, arguments over bills, family issues, etc.) are taking a toll on your bedroom bond. Or maybe the problem is more physical. Has he stopped paying attention to his own appearance or does he think he can skip right over foreplay now that you are married?

Whatever the case, you need to figure out what is chipping away at your desire and address the issue with honesty and openness. Couch your need inside a request or even a compliment when talking to your partner, such as “I really loved it when we spent time on foreplay” or “Remember the big guns you had at our wedding? That was so hot.” Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind or know what is wrong without you telling him. Communication is only as open and honest as you make it, so take the reins and make the changes you need in your relationship. Your partner should follow your lead and be open to hearing your needs. If you hit a bump in the road, I suggest finding a good sex therapist who can help you address these issues and get your marriage back on track. Even newlyweds have to put in some work to achieve marital bliss!

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.