Ask Dr. Berman: My Husband Wants a Swinger Lifestyle!

Q: My husband keeps bringing up the idea of threesomes and even partner-swapping. I am not into swinging, but I want to keep him happy. What can I do?

A: While I always tell people to be open to a partner’s fantasies and to try new things, I would never advise a couple to have a threesome and I would never advise someone to try a sex act that he/she is not into. If your heart and your mind aren’t in it, do not ever pressure yourself or feel guilty for not acting out your partner’s fantasy.

If you were to go through with swinging when your heart wasn’t in it, I would predict some pretty negative results. You would resent your partner, not to mention feel used and maybe even traumatized. Your body is yours to share with whom you please, and no one else. Threesomes and swinging can wreak havoc on a couple’s relationship even for people who are open to the idea; they often find themselves suffering negative effects, such as jealousy, rage, and insecurity.

Fantasies often lose some of their appeal when translated into reality, and this couldn’t be truer than in the case of threesomes and the like. Sharing your partner isn’t easy, even if it sounds titillating and naughty in the moment. The aftershock of such hookups can be traumatic, particularly if you go into them half-hearted. Not to mention, it’s not always safe to bring a stranger into the bedroom. You might not be aware of their health status (have they had a recent test for any sexually transmitted infections?) or of their intentions. Perhaps they don’t see this as a one-time thing or perhaps they have nefarious plans. It is not a lifestyle that you should enter into if your heart isn’t truly in it and if you aren’t educated and well-informed about the person and process.

That being said, there are many ways you can add spice to your sex life without adding another person. If your partner likes the idea of watching you with someone else, you can self-stimulate in front of him or give him a daring striptease in the middle of the day when he least expects it. The novelty and spontaneity of it will appeal to his erotic side, and it will give you a chance to own your sexuality and do something you feel comfortable with. Perhaps he could even act out a fantasy where he watches you bathe or shower without your knowledge, and you could oh-so-innocently take your time cleaning every nook and cranny. He will be only too happy to help you get dirty again!

You might also spice up your connection with sex aids such as toys and erotica. Maybe watching other couples on a DVD have sex will help fulfill that fantasy to swing. Perhaps you could dress up as different characters to make him feel like he is having sex with some wild, erotic stranger. The idea is to find a fantasy that you both feel comfortable with and that you both will enjoy. That’s what fantasy is all about!

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.