Couples in Crisis: Dash and Kelli

Brief Synopsis: Dash and Kelli have been married for five years, but ever since they had a baby, Kelli’s sexual pleasure has gone out the window. Dr. Berman weighs in.

Couple: Dash and Kelli

Challenge: Kelli feels disconnected from Dash inside the bedroom and she is unable to reach orgasm with him. However, she still attempts to have sex on a weekly basis, but Dash realizes that she is only going through the motions, so he has begun to shut down sexually as well. Meanwhile, her sexual pleasure and desire has only continued to decrease.

How they cope: Kelli says she tries to initiate sex even though she isn’t into it, but she no longer wants to act anymore. However, she is still coping with sexual messages from childhood and her religion which told her that ‘nice girls don’t have sex.’

Where they’re stuck: Dash has begun to internalize Kelli’s lack of interest in sex, and it has caused him to turn down her advances. Meanwhile, she suspects that there is something off with her body because she is unable to reach orgasm unless she is by herself.

Dr. Berman’s homework:

Write down your negative sexual thoughts. By writing down the thoughts that negatively impact your sexual enjoyment (such as, “Nice girls don’t enjoy sex” or “I am not sexy enough” or “I don’t know what I am doing in the bedroom), you can begin to consciously separate them your sexual enjoyment. You can also make a column where you identify where the sexual thoughts came from (e.g. was it something you learned in childhood or something a lover once told you?). By doing so, you will often realize that you have been carrying around negative thoughts that are baseless and false.

Take sex off the table. If you are feeling sexually disconnected in the bedroom, you can try taking sex off the table. Instead, focus on connecting on a sensual level once again. Rediscover making out, touch, massage and cuddling. Once you add back in these little sensual and romantic gestures, your libido and sexual connection will improve as a result.