Ask Dr. Berman: Help – I'm Too Busy for Sex!

Q: I want to have a better sex — or at least more sex — but I don't know how to make it happen! I'm still a student, working two part-time jobs. I have two children under the age of 5, and am only 22. I'm always exhausted, but I want to be closer to my partner. How can I make the time for better sex?

 

A: Making time for sex is something that virtually every new parent struggles with — especially someone like yourself who is juggling a substantial set of responsibilities. The exhaustion that results from taking care of everybody but yourself takes its toll in the bedroom; however, it's essential to give yourself and your relationship the priority it deserves. Sex is a big part of what keeps you connected to your partner. It also reminds you of your sensuality during a stage of life in which you might not be feeling all that sensual.

It's easier than you think to get back to better, more frequent sex. First, recharging your batteries should be on the top of your list. You must get over the guilt and self-denial that often come with being a mother. Making time for yourself is not selfish, and it's ultimately going to help you be a better parent. That's why it's important to set aside time in your schedule for at least one enjoyable activity a week. What you choose to do is dependent on your personality and your resources. You might have dinner with a close friend or get a pedicure. You can take a brisk walk or go to the gym. If you can't (or prefer not to) get away from the house, set aside time to take a bath, read a book or magazine, or maybe just take a nap! Arranging childcare for just a few hours one day a week allows you to get yourself back — an important part of better sex.

Second, work to increase quality time with your partner. Try to start a ritual of some sort, such as watching a half hour of television together after the kids have gone to sleep and before you both pass out! It's foreplay for better sex, even if the sex doesn't happen that night, since you're going to feel more connected to each other. If you're really finding that sex is falling by the wayside, make a weekly date to have sex. You can go out to dinner beforehand or simply snuggle on the couch together. Just be sure to make it happen at least once a week.

Last, make sure that you aren’t waiting for some "perfect" moment to occur before you are willing to have sex (i.e. when the house is spotless, when you lose 20 pounds, when you feel more amorous, etc.). Instead, just do it. People often sit around and wait for the mood to strike, especially when they are in a committed, long-term relationship. However, the more you sit around and wait for your libido to suddenly spark up on its own, the more it will decrease and dissipate. Sex is based on a “use it or lose it” philosophy, which is why it’s a good idea to go ahead and just do it sometimes, even if you aren’t in the mood. You will often find that if you stay open and give sex a chance that you will find yourself in the mood after all. Of course, you shouldn’t have sex if you absolutely don’t want to, but if your emotions are there, listen to your desires and your body will likely follow.

— Dr. Laura Berman

Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.