When Your Man Is Too into Pornography

As enjoyable as erotica can be, it can also become a crutch or even a compulsion. Recent studies have shown an increase in the number of people struggling with an addiction to X-rated erotic entertainment, and it’s likely due to the advent of technology that makes porn easily available. In fact, up to 25 million Americans check out cybersex sites each week, and 25 percent of the searches performed on the Internet are sex-related.

The Internet allows access to porn that is easy, fast, and anonymous. In the past, when a man wanted to check out an erotic video, he had to go down to the local video store, where he might run into someone he knew and where his behavior might get back to his wife. Magazines were an option, but again, they required a transaction in a public setting, and then the man might feel he needed to find a secret hiding place to stash away his “reading matter.” However, with the Internet, you can basically see anything you want and have access to it 24 hours a day; in addition, you have anonymous access, you don’t even have to leave your house, you don’t have to pay any extra money, and you don't need to acknowledge what you’re watching to the outside world or to your partner. Plus, nowadays, even mainstream actors and actresses are starring in their very own porn films; this trend normalizes the videos and makes them seem harmless.

Without this accountability, some men find themselves getting lost in cybersex addiction. In the comfort of their own homes, they seek out every kind of porn imaginable (from the vanilla to the kinky to the downright illegal) and can find resisting the urge to check out these sites overwhelming. Unfortunately, constant pornography use can drive a wedge between a man and his partner, building a wall of resentment, secrecy, and shame that can be devastating to a relationship. It can also chip away at a couple’s sex life: If the man suddenly has visions dancing in his head of unrealistic plot lines and body types, the woman is likely to feel resentful and perhaps bitter that he spends his free time watching other women have sex. Hence, she might shut down sexually: which may lead him to turn to more porn to get his sexual needs met!

Clearly, cybersex addiction can create a vicious cycle; however, this doesn’t mean that online erotica is necessarily harmful. In fact, many couples find occasional or moderate viewing of erotica a safe way to explore fantasies alone or as a couple. The trouble occurs when secrecy and deception come into play, or when a person finds himself (or herself) obsessively checking out cybersex Web sites, even to the detriment of their own relationships and happiness; this is often indicative of addictive behavior.

Remember, it’s important to enjoy erotica in moderation. If you find your partner (or yourself) using pornography obsessively or feeling out of control when it comes to your use of pornography, then you should seek help from an addiction therapist, particularly someone who specializes in sex addiction.

Go to Sex Addicts Anonymous for resources and help.