G-spot Orgasm
Q: I just found the man of my dreams, but when we had sex for the first time, I could not have an orgasm. He is a great lover, and I enjoyed being with him, but I just couldn’t get there! Am I doomed? I have masturbated for many years, and I am afraid I might have damaged my clitoris — is that possible? Why is it so hard for me to reach an orgasm, even with the perfect man?
First of all, masturbation will not damage your clitoris! If anything, it keeps you in good practice and your genitals in good working condition. But when it comes to sex with a partner, the logistics of intercourse often don’t provide the right kind of stimulation to allow women to climax. Even with the “perfect man,” just one-third of women orgasm from penetration alone. The other two-thirds can’t have an orgasm during intercourse without some sort of clitoral stimulation. Are you surprised? This little-known fact is why oral sex and manual stimulation are so important to so many women.
It’s also important to give yourself time to get used to your new partner. Even if he’s your dream come true, the pressure is always turned up the first few times you have sex with any new person. Furthermore, worry over pleasing your partner or whether your response will be exciting enough for him can affect your sexual experience. New lovers need time to figure out how to turn each other on. Most women are able to orgasm much more easily and quickly from masturbation. However, since the vast majority of women don’t include penetration when masturbating, they are more familiar with clitoral orgasms — as opposed to vaginal, or G-spot, orgasms, which is what you’re looking for.
What you need to figure out is whether the orgasm will come with time, once you’ve relaxed a bit, or whether it’s going to take some more work. Adding clitoral stimulation during intercourse is easy (and fun!). One of you can use your fingers to stimulate your clitoris. You can try a position in which your clitoris grinds against his pubic bone, such as you-on-top (leaning forward) or the CAT. Or you can try a small vibrator to do the trick — if you choose one that has a soft silicone ring that allows it to be strapped onto your partner’s penis, no one’s hands will be tied up!
If you can’t orgasm during intercourse, you’re going to have to find other ways to satisfy your needs. I often recommend that women reach orgasm through manual or oral techniques and then move on to intercourse. It’s a good way to meet both partners' needs and reduce the pressure during intercourse. You may even discover that you can orgasm during intercourse when you’re not trying as hard. Remember, orgasms can’t be chased. They happen when you relax, so enjoy the moment and tune in to your partner. Just try to let it happen.
Flights of Fantasy
Q: How critical is fantasizing to increasing the pleasure factor during sex?
Considering the brain is the largest sexual organ, fantasy has a vital role to play in a satisfying sex life. Fantasies add fuel to the fire by sparking arousal and then helping to maintain it. Some people think an active fantasy life must mean that they are not turned on by their partners — especially when the fantasies are used during sex. However, almost all human beings fantasize about sexual situations that are not part of their actual sex life, and this includes eroticizing people they may know or people they’ve made up.
Fantasies have a lot to teach you about your innermost desires and wishes. I often advise women and men to keep a fantasy journal. (Just make sure it has a lock if you are going to be honest, which is how it works best!) Fantasies are made up of the material that day-to-day life suppresses — that’s why they are so inspiring sexually. It’s titillating to imagine sexual scenes you might not have the nerve to act on in real life (or may not even want to). Likewise, envisioning having sex with someone other than your partner is taboo, which makes it arousing.
Use your fantasy life to your advantage. You don’t even need to admit your sexual daydreams to anybody — sometimes it’s nice to simply keep them to yourself. You definitely should not judge yourself for your fantasies, unless they are troubling you on a regular basis. Just about anything goes when it comes to imagining your deepest sexual wishes — that’s why it’s fantasy, not reality.
Fantasy has an important place in a couple’s sex life; it can be a way to keep things novel and exciting. Whether you’re using a fantasy for personal inspiration, or acting out a shared fantasy together, sex and your imagination are tightly bound together. If you decide to share fantasies with your partner, the only ground rules are to not reveal any about other people or scenarios that your partner cannot be included in. Otherwise, have fun with it!
Too Busy for Sex
Q: I’m still a student, working two part-time jobs. I have two children under the age of 5, and am only 22. How can I make the time for better sex?
Making time for sex is something that virtually every new parent struggles with — especially someone like yourself who is juggling a substantial set of responsibilities. The exhaustion that results from taking care of everybody but yourself takes its toll in the bedroom; however, it’s essential to give yourself and your relationship the priority it deserves. Sex is a big part of what keeps you connected to your partner. It also reminds you of your sensuality during a stage of life in which you might not be feeling all that sensual.
It’s easier than you think to get back to better, more frequent sex. First, recharging your batteries should be on the top of your list. You must get over the guilt and self-denial that often come with being a mother. Making time for yourself is not selfish, and it’s ultimately going to help you be a better parent. That’s why it’s important to set aside time in your schedule for at least one enjoyable activity a week. What you choose to do is dependent on your personality and your resources. You might have dinner with a close friend or get a pedicure. You can take a brisk walk or go to the gym. If you can’t (or prefer not to) get away from the house, set aside time to take a bath, read a book or magazine, or maybe just take a nap! Arranging childcare for just a few hours one day a week allows you to get yourself back — an important part of better sex.
Second, work to increase quality time with your partner. Try to start a ritual of some sort, such as watching a half hour of television together after the kids have gone to sleep and before you both pass out! It’s foreplay for better sex, even if the sex doesn’t happen that night, since you’re going to feel more connected to each other. If you’re really finding that sex is falling by the wayside, make a weekly date to have sex. You can go out to dinner beforehand or simply snuggle on the couch together. Just be sure to make it happen at least once a week.
Return to Guide to Sexual Health