Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Yet talking about sex with your partner can be daunting, even for couples who have been together a long time. Fortunately, there's an easy way to communicate your needs (sexual and otherwise) to your partner. Here’s how:
Pick the right time and place. Because sex is such a delicate topic to broach, people tend to wait until they can’t hold their feelings in anymore — then they explode. Bombshells usually don’t go over well. Instead, pick a neutral time and place when both you and your partner have time to relax and be totally open with each other. (In other words, wait until the kids are asleep or until you both have time to unwind after work.) It’s also a good idea not to broach the topic in the bedroom, or right before sex. Try to talk over a quiet dinner or a glass of wine in your living room. The pressure of sex won’t be looming over the conversation, which will make it easier for you both to be honest.
Be honest, but also kind. People often think that honesty has to be “brutal.” While it's true that you shouldn’t dress up or disguise the truth (especially when it comes to your sex and relationship needs), you can be direct without being unkind. For example, instead of saying “I feel that our sex life is boring and you never do anything to make me feel attractive or special,” you can say “I crave more excitement in our love life. I want to feel attractive and sexy, the way I used to feel when we had sex.” You're still expressing your needs, but you aren’t criticizing your partner unduly.
Remember that your sex life is yours to improve. You and your partner can work together to improve your sex life and increase each other's desire and satisfaction, but ultimately, you are the one who has to alter the way you approach sex. No matter how much effort your partner puts in, if you are not connected to your sexuality or in tune with your sexual response, there isn’t much your partner can do. Improving your sex life, therefore, isn’t just a couples’ activity — it requires some personal work as well.
Give the appreciation you seek. Do you want your partner to find you just as sexy and irresistible as the day you met? Chances are your partner craves the same from you. We all want to feel desirable and sexy, and yet we rarely give our partners the support they need to feel that way. The more we compliment them — the more we make them feel sexy and attractive — the more sexy they will feel — and vice versa. So if you want your partner to give you more compliments, start being more vocal and give him the gratitude and appreciation you seek. Your sex life and intimacy will improve as a result, and he will soon be repaying the favor.
In the end, the only communication lesson every couple should learn is this: Be honest and timely about your needs. If you put off telling your partner what you need, it will chip away at your happiness and your bond. Although conversations about sex can be daunting, they are worthwhile and important conversations to have. So if you aren’t getting what you need in the bedroom, don’t despair — just speak up!