Ask Dr. Berman: I'm Only 31 and I Don't Like Sex

Q: I’m 31 years old. My last and only sexual encounter was seven years ago and had disastrous consequences for me physically and emotionally. I want to enjoy sex, but I don’t know how — what should I do?

A: Sex is supposed to be one of the best parts of life, not the worst, so I am very sorry to hear that your only sexual experience was incredibly negative. Unfortunately, many women admit being quite unhappy about their first sexual encounter. Whether the sex was painful or awkward, first times are often uncomfortable. However, for some women the first time was also unwanted, which makes it not only a crime but also hugely traumatic.

I am not sure exactly what occurred during your first sexual experience, but if it was in any way forced or unwanted, I think it’s important that you seek therapy. Even though seven years have passed, it is clear that this is an event that still haunts you every single day. Instead of letting it fester inside you, it is important to unleash your feelings and address this issue. By doing so, you can finally heal and become free.

If the intercourse was disastrous for other reasons (such as it led to an STD or an unwanted pregnancy), then it is quite understandable that you would be hesitant to let go and enjoy sex again. Anytime someone gets an STD it is a devastating blow, not only to their health but also to their self-esteem. Some people even feel punished or judged, as if “God is giving them a warning from up above.” All these feelings are decidedly unsexy and it is no wonder that you don’t want to open yourself up in that way again.

Yet it is important for you to understand that your sexuality is not shameful or dirty. You had one negative experience that scared you away from sex, but as awful as it was, I know that it also made you stronger and that your sexuality is still a big part of who you are. You might not realize it because it is probably buried deep within you, but it is still in there, waiting to be unleashed and appreciated and enjoyed.

So how do you get there? I suggest therapy because it is one of the best ways to address lingering issues of the past and find healing and support. A therapist will not only give you an unbiased ear, but she can also offer you unique viewpoints and resources that you might not have thought of on your own. A sex therapist in particular might be of use to you. Even though you are not currently having sex, this issue is deeply rooted in your sexuality and your sexual history, and a sex therapist can give you the support you need to work through these concerns and embrace your sexuality for the first time.

Most importantly, don’t give up. Everyone’s sexual journey is unique, and just because you have taken a hiatus does not mean that your sex life is over. It is just beginning!

 — Dr. Laura Berman