Sex Surrogacy: Very Different From Sex Therapy

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve introduced myself as a sex therapist and seen a lascivious raise of an eyebrow as the person mistakes my profession for a sex surrogate.

To set the record straight, a sex therapist is very different from a sex surrogate, who actually gets “hands-on” with people who have sexual problems. While some therapists advocate the services of a sex surrogate as a supplement to therapy, I personally believe that crossing the professional boundary is never a good idea. In fact, many people feel that sex surrogacy is akin to prostitution and is illegal in most states. In an ideal world I believe it’s best for every person to work out their sexual issues with a partner or alone, along with the guidance and support of a trained therapist when needed. I have, however, worked with individuals through the years who have no access to sexual partners and found a sex surrogate very helpful in getting over specific issues that could only be addressed in an in-vivo situation. This might be performance anxiety or getting triggered by certain sexual scenarios.

Sex therapy — as opposed to sex surrogacy — guides patients through their sexual obstacles and forces them to conquer their issues with behavioral changes and new opportunities for genuine intimacy. There is quite a bit more involved than simple sexual technique.

While not ignoring issues of technique, sex therapy focuses on intimacy essentials like communication, finding and recognizing why you are getting stuck, providing emotional support and guidance around building better intimacy, confidence-boosting, relaxation techniques, and self-awareness training. Certainly, sex therapy can and will include very specific intimate discussions, such as loss of libido, tantric sex tips, sexual fantasies, and sexual-trauma healing if applicable. These intimate and personal discussions require a compassionate yet removed listener, someone who will offer guidance, support and important insights, without actually hopping into the middle of the situation as an actual participant. Sex therapists undergo rigorous training to ensure that they are always professional and empathetic. Generally speaking, licensed clinical sex therapists have gone through specialized academic training, as well as psychotherapeutic clinical training as part of their licensure requirements.

Personally, I believe that every sex therapist must also be a trained and experienced couples’ therapist in order to offer clients comprehensive and well-rounded therapy. Sex therapy is instructive and is meant to help couples learn new skills and behaviors, yet it is also about establishing better communication and resolving resentment and conflicts. By doing so, couples can begin to recognize the places they get stuck in the relationship and learn how to get ‘unstuck’ and move forward, thereby increasing emotional intimacy and connection.

Additionally, like any type of therapy, sex therapy is only as good as the integrity of the doctor-patient relationship. A significant part of being a good therapist is keeping your own issues in check. I think turning a professional relationship into a sexual relationship — no matter what the intention — crosses over into dangerous territory.

So, yes, there really are people who use their bodies along with their minds to help others with their sexual-function issues. However, as you might imagine, there are not many of them. The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) trains and refers surrogates, even offering a two-week intensive program and they can inform the public of any laws related to surrogacy services.

I find that works best when couples confront sexual breakdowns without the presence of a third party in the bedroom. For singles, the goal is to put their energy into real potential mates instead of a surrogate. There is also something to be said for spending time alone, getting to know your mind and body outside of sex with another person.

Helping people take the road toward a healthy sexual relationship is what a trained sex therapist does through talking and educating only. I hope I’ve put some of the misconceptions of sex therapy to rest!