Ask Dr. Berman: Struggling With Memories of Sexual Assault

Though you'll never forget the event, the flashbacks may be a sign that you haven't entirely worked through the rape and how it has affected your life. In fact, flashbacks can be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder. Sadly, many victims suffer from rape-related PTSD — it is estimated that one-third of rape victims suffer from these pervasive and painful disorder as a result of their assault. It is so common that it has even been recognized as its own distinctive disorder within PTSD, and it is often referred to as Rape Trauma Syndrome.

There are several stages that occur in Rape Trauma Syndrome. Here are the first couple stages:

The Acute stage:
This occurs in the days and weeks following the rape. Symptoms vary widely during this time (from prolonged crying spells to lack of emotional feeling to inability to recall details of the rape), but many people feel acute sensitivity to their environment and the people around them, and many people feel an obsession to bathe or wash themselves constantly.

The Outward Adjustment Stage:
During this stage, the victim has returned back to his or her “normal” life, such as going back to work or school, and rejoining certain social activities. Again, there is a variety of different behaviors in this stage — some people pretend everything is fine (minimization), others can’t stop talking about the attack (dramatization), others pretend it never happened (suppression), others obsessively analyze the reason for the attack (explanation), and others flee and move to a new city and dramatically alter their appearance or lifestyle (flight). All of these behaviors can be accompanied by symptoms such as insomnia, night terrors, flashbacks, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, extreme anger, mood swings, etc.

If any of these behaviors sound familiar to you, it might be time to seek the expertise and support of a rape counselor (for one in your neighborhood, visit www.rainn.org or call their hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE). Everyone's recovery process is different, and many women spend years thinking they are okay, only to have the event come to the forefront of their minds. A skilled therapist will help you identify what your triggers may be and offer strategies for confronting the memories when they do intrude.

Aside from therapy (or if you've already visited a therapist), sharing your feelings with your fiancé is a good idea. It will bring you closer if he understands what you are going through. You can let him know that you love him and trust him but have unfinished business from this traumatic event in your past. He will most likely be supportive; however, if you find that it's putting stress on your relationship, visiting a therapist together may be a good idea. It may be the fact that you are in a supportive relationship that's allowing you to face the reality of what happened to you. Either way, your partner needs to understand the effect that rape has on a woman, long after it has occurred. You may want to check out a couple of online resources that provide more information to rape victims and their partners, such as the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. Good luck.

 — Dr. Laura Berman

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Read more Sex and Love Advice from Dr. Laura Berman.