How to Have the "Safer Sex" Conversation

Hollywood movies give us the idea that great sex is as simple as ripping off your date’s clothes and going for the gold. However, in real life, there are many precautions that couples must consider. If you don’t, you risk making yourself vulnerable to potential physical and emotional consequences. While romance brings us joy, it also brings our share of hurt feelings and broken hearts — and it can also bring diseases, some incurable. In today’s modern era, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are a real concern.

For this reason, I often encourage couples to postpone sex until they are in a monogamous relationship, or at least a relationship in which healthy boundaries have been set and safer sex measures have been discussed. You are the steward of your body and your sexuality, and you have the responsibility to treat it well. If you don’t, no one else will!

Timing Is Everything
Whether you want to delay sex until the fifth date or until marriage, you and your partner need to have a discussion about safer sex before you hit the sheets. While only you know what the perfect timing might be, you should have sex only when you feel comfortable with the idea, and when you and your date have discussed past sexual histories — at least as far as STD testing goes, along with safer sex options including methods of birth control and condom use.

Again, only you will know when the time is right to have this conversation; a good rule of thumb is to listen to your intuition. Do you feel anxious or overwhelmed at the thought of discussing sex? Certainly, a little nervousness is natural, but if you feel too embarrassed to discuss sex with a potential partner, then you probably aren’t ready to actually have sex quite yet.

A Little Humor Goes a Long Way
When you’ve decided to have the safer sex conversation, you can be a bit humorous about it. Consider saying something like, “You know I discuss my sexual history only with people I’m interested in...and you’ve made the cut! Since this is getting pretty interesting, I think we should talk about getting tested for STDs.” You can even suggest that the two of you get tested together.

All joking aside, you also need to be accountable and you need to tell him when you were last tested. No matter how comfortable you feel, this type of conversation can be intimidating, but if you are mature enough to have sex, you are mature enough to take this step.

Therefore, it’s crucial to consider asking your partner the following questions before you have sex:

• When is the last time you were tested for STDs?
• Have you ever had an STD, past or present?
• Have you ever shared a needle or injected intravenous drugs?
• Would be willing to get an STD test with me?
• Are we going to be exclusive and monogamous?

   and

• If your partner has an STD: What steps are we going to take to make sure that we both stay protected during sex?
• If you have an STD: Now that you are aware of my STD, what questions do you have about maintaining your sexual health?

Obviously, you need to be able to answer these questions yourself! STD checks are a part of routine care at most medical offices and clinics. You can also get information and treatment from your health-care provider, the health department, a family-planning clinic, or an STD clinic. If you cannot afford to pay for treatment, most communities have an STD clinic where visits are free of charge or at a very low cost.

Still, there is no way to completely protect against STDs or unwanted pregnancy other than abstinence. That’s why the term “safer sex” has come into favor because it allows everyone to understand that all sex comes with some potential risk. However, with the right protection and open, honest communication, you can decrease those risks and protect yourself as much as possible.

Resources:
For more information on safer sex, contact Planned Parenthood.